This is your call to stop negotiating your power

Let’s name it: most confidence is conditional as hell.

It depends on approval. Results. Praise. Progress. Other people behaving nicely.

And the moment any of that wobbles? So does your sense of self.

In this solo episode, Kylie draws a hard line between confidence that performs and confidence that endures - and why only one of them can actually carry you as a leader, creator, and paradigm shifter.

This isn’t about hype, mindset, or “just believe in yourself” nonsense.

It’s about embodied, grounded, unshakeable self-trust - the kind that doesn’t disappear when the room goes quiet.

In this episode, Kylie explores:

• Why “I’ll be confident when…” keeps you small and manageable

• Why confidence is a state of embodiment, not a personality trait

• The visceral difference between borrowed confidence and real power

• How to resource yourself so your confidence doesn’t collapse under pressure

• How comparison, consumption, and overexposure quietly dismantle self-trust

This is a rally call for anyone who knows they’re here to lead, speak, disrupt, and reshape what’s possible - without waiting for permission, proof, or perfect conditions.

TRANSCRIPT - S6E28: Conditional Confidence vs Unconditional Confidence + What makes the difference?

Kylie Patchett: [00:00:00] There has never been a more important time to understand that now is not the time to stay silent, but we cannot pave new pathways and we cannot create new paradigms if we are still operating from land limitation.

Welcome to Wild and finally fucking Free the show for disruptors, rebels, and revolutionaries who know they're here to change the damn world. I'm Kylie Patchett, your voice and visibility catalyst, and here we dive into unapologetic truth, magnetic messaging and visibility. That actually feels good. In your body, your bones, and your business.

We share the stories of the out of the box, neuro sparkly, creative, witchy, wild ones, rewriting how we live, love, learn, and lead. This isn't about being louder, it's about being rooted, resonant, and regulated, [00:01:00] so you can be real raw and ready to raw. If you're done, contorting yourself to fit the mold and you're ready to own your voice, your power, and your place in the revolution, welcome home.

Let's dive in.

Hi friends. Welcome to another solo episode. This one is inspired by a conversation that we had in my raw rev group, which was actually initially inspired by two separate conversations I had with voice coaching clients. And it made me wanna ask the raw revolution ladies to journal on a couple of things.

And I'm gonna give you the prompt. So if you have the space to be able to journal on the same things and come to your own answers, that could be fun otherwise. Let it wash over you and then see what your beautiful mind, spirit, body wants to bring into your awareness at some other later date.

So we were talking about this concept of confidence and one of the clients was saying the initial client conversation was about, yeah, I feel really confident about it because blah, blah, [00:02:00] blah. And there was a list of these external circumstances like I feel hurt by someone.

The conversation goes my way or I get a pay rise or I feel good in myself or whatever. And some of that is an external environment thing, something that, other people are doing. And some of that is an internal felt sense, right? I feel good in my body. And when I asked more about that, I was like, okay, so tell me more about like, when do you feel good in your body?

Is that like. How you dressed, how you look, or is it more of a, felt like a visceral sense? And her immediate reaction was, oh, that's easy. When I've had enough sleep, when I've been eating well, when I'm moving. Because for her, the connection was movement, being able to be like present with your own felt sense of the world, right?

And so it was really interesting to me and I was like, oh, interesting. So some of those things rely on. External conditions that you really have. Like you can do whatever [00:03:00] you can to influence or impact those things, but some of it is completely out of your control. And so to hang this concept of I can be confident only if certain things go my way.

I was like, oh, that, that feels really conditional to me. Like I wonder how. Actually two questions. I wonder how we could open up unconditional confidence. What would that feel like in your body? What would that look like in day to day? What would that look like in a work situation or a business sales call, or a conversation with your partner?

And the secondary thing is then if I was unconditionally confident, what would I be able to do? How would I carry myself through business? What lens through which would I make decisions? And so the journaling prompt that I would love to invite you to feel through is just an open sentence which, or an open prompt, which is, I can be confident now I'm talking about [00:04:00] in business, but you could put this in a life circumstance or a relationship or whatever, wherever you wanna feel it.

Emphasize, I can be confident if, and I know I'm using suggestive language, right? 'cause if by definition is a conditional thing, I can be confident if. And it's so interesting because in my raw revolution mastermind groups, because we are from all over the world, on the days that we have a call, I do two different sessions, right?

So I'm running the same. Like framework scaffolding of the call, but with two separate groups of people. Two different time zones. So for me, one's nine o'clock in the morning and for the second one, which is more European clients, it's 4:00 PM in the afternoon. Now my normal energetic flow is to be pretty switched on in the first half of the day, but.

By four o'clock, I'm starting to feel, not as switched on, but I also noticed that I am more readily connected to my intuition. So it's very interesting to me that even when I journaled on my own prompt, my answers started [00:05:00] to change. So I'm really interested to hear what your list has.

And it was also really interesting to me when I gave that prompt, 'cause the intention behind the prompt. And of course as a good coach, you're just asking high quality questions, right? The answers you don't have any control over. But my intention was to uncover these conditions of is that really confidence then?

If I was to, and I guess the other kind of piece to bring to the table here is from an internal family systems perspective that kind of. Breed of thought says that if you are in your authentic capital S energy or your, I call that the inner wise woman. So the me that is underneath all of the parts, all of the fears, all of the doubts, all of the learned limitation, all of the itty bitty shitty committee bullshit in my head that comes up.

And that's part of the human experience. There's nothing wrong with any of that, but it is important that we can identify that those are all. [00:06:00] Parts of the system playing a protective or a firefighting role, and what is underneath is this authentic self of the capital S energy. And it's not an energy, it's the truth of who you are.

And how I like to talk about it is either the wild woman or the truth of who you are before the world's taught you how to be. Before you got all of those not good enough or too much or need to be a certain way to be okay, that success equals y happiness equals z love equals blah, blah, blah.

Like all of the conditions that you've received, right? And so when we are in self energy with a capital S, there's eight C's. I never remember all of them, but we'll have a go. Curious, compassionate, creative courageous. Confident, which is the one that I'm thinking of. Oh my God, that's I know. It's not bad.

It's not bad. Six out of eight anyway, internal family systems, people fill in the blanks. But anyway, the point is one of the eight Cs that they [00:07:00] say is the way to check in with, am I in self energy or am I in a part? Am I really blended with a part? And I really think. That part is who I am.

But actually, no, there's still an authentic self underneath. And one of those Cs is confidence, right? But to me, there's a very different feeling in my body to the confidence that I feel, or the language I'm using is unconditional confidence. And maybe if you don't vibe with the idea or the language of confidence, maybe a better way of saying it is like rock solid self-trust.

Like a rock solid self-trust. No matter what happens today, I am gonna be able to handle it. I will respond and even if I it up, if I make a mistake or whatever, it's all good because nothing is, nothing means anything about me as a human. I'm just having a physical experience right down here in this plane.

Soul puts on a skin suit, then forgets how good it is to be a soul without a skin suit. That's one of my [00:08:00] favorite thoughts at the moment. Yeah, so when we think about confidence, to me, if I feel the difference between unconditional confidence, so how I feel when I am in authentic self energy and the way that I feel like if I close my eyes right now and check in on how would I describe this feeling.

I'm connected to my intuition. I'm present in this moment. I'm connected to the sensations in my body, but also in my mind there is a quietness.

Yeah, I think for me, the word that I would maybe describe it as is just peaceful, but whatever that feeling is in your body, like when you really know you've got it, and like I said, maybe confidence is not the best [00:09:00] word to describe it for everybody. We tried emphasizing one of these calls, self-trust as a kind of swapping out term if confidence doesn't vibe with you.

So that, and now let's close our eyes and think about whatever you either wrote down as the journal prompt or whatever comes to your mind when I say I can be confident. If, and it is not that felter sense energy, it's a self, it is not the authentic self. Felt sense energy in the body, not that peaceful place.

It often sounds a lot more. Some things on my early morning list where if things are working out, if I feel like I'm getting somewhere. So a lot of my like conditions that came to the surface for me was like making progress or working towards something. And that is very much me by nature, but I'm like, but what if I'm not making progress?

Like I'm really putting a condition on [00:10:00] me I'm own. I'm saying I will only access the physical felt sense of being in the emotion of con confidence if. What I want to happen is happening. Like when you think about that out loud, that's very conditional. 'cause again, we don't have control over everything in our lives, so who knows what tomorrow brings.

And so when I feel into that kind of like conditions, if this happens some people said if I feel like other people are seeing me, if I trust the people that I'm with if I have had a good night's sleep, which is prefacing something I'm gonna get to in a second. And but just close your eyes and whatever your list is, whatever your conditions, when you are in.

A place where you're trying to tell yourself a story of I have to be a particular way to be confident. I have to do a particular thing to be confident. I have to have a particular thing to be confident. I have to have achieved a particular thing to feel confident on that list. Can you feel the visceral difference?[00:11:00]

Interesting. Straight away my sensation goes from being like. In my chest and my belly and that like grounded, peaceful energy to more, much more up here. And in fact, I feel like a constriction in my shoulders. And so if you were feeling into those two different states, and I do have to say too, I need to be really aware of something.

I find it fairly easy to get into my body and sense things. And I also find it pretty readily available to picture things in my mind. But when I give clients these kinds of exercises, I will always preface it by saying, let's normalize all your senses. So maybe when you're feeling into two different emotions, you get a word or a spoken message or like an auditory connection.[00:12:00]

Or a pattern or something that is completely different to what I'm saying. So if I'm saying like, experience this down in your body and you're like, that's not actually where I get my feedback from when I'm moving through the world, do it through whatever lens you is. You is my goodness. So one of the senses that is always speaking to me, like literally is that I have a jukebox on 24 7 in my head.

Although as I'm saying that out loud, I'm actually very aware that I have not heard any songs today on the jukebox, but often. I am moving through life and whatever is playing out here in the external environment, my brain, I think it is a neuros sparkly thing. 'cause I once asked this on social media and people were like, oh my God, yes.

And then I was like, hang on a minute. How many people are you? How many of you are neuros sparkly? Or think that you might be neuro sparkly? And most people were saying that. But yeah, often my neuro sparkly brain will be playing a particular song on a soundtrack. And sometimes I get a song stuck in my head and I'm like.

I don't know what the message is there or what you are actually [00:13:00] curating for me, like what is that connected to? And sometimes I've had to go and look up the lyrics of a song to get to something that feels like a, ah, okay. I understand. Anyway, I digress. My point is, if you're not actually getting a felt sense of those two emotions, then just.

Almost if you could take a snapshot with all your senses that are available to you, 'cause you are individual, everyone's different. And then feel the difference between what conditional confidence feels like and unconditional confidence feels like. Then my secondary thing to feel into is when do you most actually no.

If you imagine those two extremes on a spectrum, and you might even wanna do this with your eyes closed as well. I'm pretty much doing the whole thing that we took. Took the raw ladies through.

So in your mind's eye with whatever sense comes to you, and that may not be, it doesn't have to be visual. Imagine that one extreme of [00:14:00] conditional confidence is in one direction, or one, one texture, whatever. However, it's seen it coming to you and then in the opposite direction. That spectrum will go all the way from really conditional confidence all the way to unconditional confidence at the extreme.

And I'm definitely not saying that it is natural to live in one state or the other, 24 7. This will be a different, you'll move up and down the spectrum, but imagine if you could find the balance point between the two. Just find the balance point. Somewhere on that spectrum, there's a balance point where you could not say you're either unconditional or unconditional.

You just write in that balance point. And then once you're there, do you have any sense of anything that you can do from a resourcing perspective for you? The human. You, the human that [00:15:00] holds space for clients. You, the human who makes business decisions. You the human who is balancing life outside of business or hopefully into weaving them together, right?

Is there anything in the day to day that helps you nudge towards confidence or away from confidence in the unconditional rock solid self-trust end of things, and I'll give you some examples. So things that the RO raw ladies said, and they're similar to what I would say. So I find this self-trust and authentic self, felt sense to be really so much easier for me to live from if I'm taking care of what I call my basic human house plant requirements.

I wrote a book about this back in 2012, like forever ago. And those things are. Eating decent food close to nature and in season if possible. Drinking enough water for me is a huge one because that [00:16:00] impacts my joints and my chronic pain condition. I'm not gonna say chronic. I'm gonna stop using that language.

Drinking more water helps my body to feel more stable. And more healthy. There you go. Getting enough sleep is a huge one for me, like prioritizing, and that's been a huge gift of having no social media on my phone, is I am not tempted to be scrolling. So I am therefore not exposing my little eyeballs to blue light before I go to bed, which of course, screws with your sleep cycle.

So prioritizing sleep, prioritizing fun, so having pleasure, play connections. In whatever way that you need it and desire it, which is different for everybody. If you're a mad extrovert, that might mean interfacing with 50 people every week if you're more like me and a more like a hermit than you might require interacting with, a handful and not very often, whatever it is that your needs are.

Having a i'm not gonna say a positive mindset because again, I [00:17:00] don't wanna be hierarchical having some sort of energetic or emotional hygiene, cleansing, alchemizing tool at your disposal, whatever that looks like for you. And moving moving is a huge one for me. If I don't move, then my head gets funky, and then I'm not accessing my authentic self because I'm like stuck in the.

Parts that are running the show, and then fear starts driving the business bus. And then my, little inner rebel starts going, fuck this, I don't wanna do it. And all these parts go nuts because I am actually not taking care of my human houseplant needs. So if you imagine yourself on that tipping point of the spectrum, what do you notice helps you to edge or not even edge, because it may not be a direct proportional thing, but.

What helps to influence you towards being more readily available to access that authentic self energy. And then on the flip side, what are some of the things that you're doing now that are [00:18:00] actually contributing to thinking about confidence or being in self-trust, especially in business, are eroding that you are heading more towards the conditional end of confidence, which is not the real confidence, right?

It's not. It's not real confidence, it's conditional confidence, which means that you have no, no ability to influence it or very little ability to influence it. And so when I started playing with this conversation like I, I've mentioned on the podcast before, I have taken social media off my phone because I was really noticing I was using it as a numbing and dumbing thing, but also.

I, for some reason, I'm going through a season where looking at or listening to a lot of content of any description. Like I don't watch, I don't actually watch TV either, although I am at the moment 'cause the Olympics are on. I'm very much enjoying that. But mostly I don't watch tv. So if I [00:19:00] am consuming more of other people's stuff, and that can be like.

Too much tv, too much social media looking at other coaches pages or seeing other people's ads or whatever. I am really aware at the moment, and this is not always the case, so this is like about know thyself, right? I'm really aware that actually will impact me and I will start being much more conditional about my confidence.

And I think it's because all of the things that social media is designed to be a highlight reel. And if we are not well resourced, guess what? It makes us do compare. Or if you're like me and you have an open G center, you can be very easily influenced by what's going on out there because you have no solid compass for your own identity and direction.

So when you've got lots and lots of outside influences, it can be really easy to absorb the messaging. And then it's harder to know what [00:20:00] is yours and what is not yours. So first of all, get clear on how the emotions or how the, how you experience the feeling of being in rock solid self-trust slash confidence and how you experienced the other.

And maybe notice like sometimes it's not really that hard to, not that easy to access the, how does that feel when I'm not feeling that. But when you have a day where you are like really in doubt or really feeling impacted by external environment, check in and be like okay. What I'm noticing is this.

I'm noticing this texture of feeling. I'm noticing maybe that I do wanna go and social media. Binge, or I do wanna go and emotionally eat, or I do wanna have a glass of wine to forget about or whatever. Like just notice how that comes into your field and your awareness. And then the third thing is imagine you're on the tipping point.

Like what helps [00:21:00] you? What can. Set you up to be more likely to be an authentic self-energy versus what are the things that you know you are actually doing at the moment that's stealing that from yourself. And it's time to take radical self responsibility. If you know that there's things that push you towards the conditional confidence, like awareness is key, obviously, that's why I'm asking the question.

But then it's what are you doing that for you? Don't put yourself in harm's way. I'm making a massive assumption, which is you wanna feel confident in your business. So assuming I'm right about that, which maybe I'm not, but assuming I'm right about that, be real with yourself. Stop putting yourself in harm's way.

Stop doing the things that tip you in that direction if that's not how you desire to feel. And as always, I'm not saying this is a perfect science. I'm not saying that you are only ever going to feel rock solid. That's a load of bullshit. And if anyone says that yeah, that's what I think about that.

But I am [00:22:00] saying that we as adult humans who have choice can influence in one direction or another. And I cannot say the things that are happening at the world feel absolutely well, A unbelievable, and b horrendous and so many levels at the moment. And I have never been so freaking clear in my life that if you identify yourself as someone who is a thought leader, a paradigm shifter here to create new pathways for the world in whatever way, in whatever genius zone that you have.

You cannot continue to play by the old paradigm rules. And there is a lot of influences in the systems of oppression and the old paradigms that say, particularly people who have en gender socialized as women, stay small, stay compliant, stay, not rocking the boat, et cetera, et cetera. So it's you could live your entire [00:23:00] life through the lens of learned limitation and conditioning that you've received from those systems of oppression.

Or you can make it part of your mission to actually make sure that you're practicing radical self responsibility and resourcing yourself in a way that helps you break the chains of the systems of oppression that we've all grown up in. And. There is, there has never been a more important time for that.

There has never been a more important time to understand that now is not the time to stay silent, but we cannot pave new pathways and we cannot create new paradigms if we are still operating from land limitation. We are still operating from all of these parts that are running protection and firefighting, and we don't.

Even understand what the felt sense between you in your [00:24:00] wise woman slash man, however you identify. And if you don't identify with either wise one, let's go wise, one you in your wise one versus you. In all of these conditions that you've been taught about the right way of moving through the world, this one will change the world.

This one upholds the old systems of oppression. End rant. Have an amazing day.

Thanks for tuning in to another episode. If this episode lit a fire in your body, in your business, deep down in your bones, please take a moment to drop a rating and review. So more rebels just like you can find us. And don't keep this goodness to yourself. Share it with your disruptive, rebel, and revolutionary friends who are ready to roar right alongside of you.

Until next time, stay wild, stay unapologetic, and stay fucking free.